My Pensieve

How could i ever do anything without you?

taking a moment to disconnect, and just reconnect with you, completely reconnect with you.

only you see me in my most desolate of times, yearning for you, yearning to know you, yearning to serve you. yearning to live for you.

only you give me no pressure to be myself, only you don’t judge me, only with you i don’t have to put on a fake front to be strong. only with you i can show all my weaknesses, all my imperfections. only with you, i am safe. only with you, i let my guard down. only with you, i am not afraid.

only with you, i can rely on. only with you. to stop whipping the horses after a 22 and a half hour long day, i can take an hour and a half with you, to just feel you. to worship you. to be with you. i only have you. i only ever have you. for an hour and a half, i can lay all my responsibilities on you, and you will carry them for then. for that long.

i am not afraid of hard work. i am only afraid of doubting you. don’t tell me what i believe in is not true. because my belief in you is all i have. all i live for, all i fight for, 100 thousand percent.

you know my feelings better than i do. you know my fears better than i do. you know my hopes better than i do. you know my dreams better than i do. you know my memories better than i do. you just know me better than i do. that’s why i trust you, more than anything else in the world. more than anybody else in the world. to know me better than i know myself.

the past is the past. sure, it could have been done with considerably less dirt and been a more clean and family friendly process, but that’s the thing. you can’t be afraid to dig into the nitty gritty, all the disgusting, revolting things about yourself that you never knew existed. everyone is imperfect. and if you are not aware of your flaws, you are denying them. you are not truly accepting yourself. you are not truly working to be better yourself if you do not truly love yourself.

there’s only one me, and you know it best. you know me best. before priscilla, before donna and lizzy, before lynn, before lauren harden, before los padres place with ebo and steven. before all that, before all those people, there was you. there was you, there was always you, there was only you. you, you, you. you.

the real me is just really simple. really headstrong, naive, gullible, sensitive, stubborn, proactive, out there, and demanding. like a spoiled, spoiled brat. an eternal child. impulsive, impudent, rude, brash, harsh, brutal, brutally honest. real. very real.

yet at the same time, i’m a really intense person. i’m very passionate, i’m very driven, i was ambitious to the point where i forgot my own happiness back then, 15, so caught up in what everyone else was doing, what everybody else thought. i just lost self-awareness, lost all feeling, and i’m ashamed of that. another flaw. i get caught up in hiding, in illusion, not aware of it. the contradictory part of it is that i’m passionate about being nice, being selfless, being giving. being kind.

and then there’s the me that everybody else sees, my ‘image’ so to speak, which is a part of me, like anything else, my skin. my meat and bones, but not my core self. i give off the image like i can do everything, like i can do anything, but i can’t. i really can’t. i can’t do anything without you. i can’t do anything without you, god. my will is your will. your will is everything i will, everything i do. everything i work for. there’s nothing i do that isn’t for you.

there are so many parts of me, that i never knew, that i don’t understand, that i don’t know, that i’m so confused. so confused. in three words i am paradoxical, intense, and extreme.

there are so many parts of me, that i never knew, that i don’t understand, that i don’t know, that i’m so confused. so confused. how could i love someone, so, much?

in a time with no time, i’m with you. i’m eternally with you, ever present. i pray, i pray for the guidance to discern from my heart, what is right, what is correct, to guide the decisions i make. to guide all decisions i make. because it is you that gives me eternal life, you who guides me through eternity. eternity is just beginning slash about to begin, and it will take me to a whole new world of change, and gratitude, and service. i believe in working with, working for no one else but you. eternity is with you. eternity is always with you.

i pray for guidance, guidance through my journey through lost time, lost memories, and pray for guidance for you to bring me back to the present. because only you can do so.

i want to live like the world will end tomorrow. if the world ends tomorrow, i’ll have no regrets. i’ll be content. i’ll have done all i wanted to have done, to the fullest extent i can. because we are only ever entitled to the moment. because we are only ever entitled to the moment, ever.

statistics lie. numbers lie. letters lie. they are always changing. but feelings, beliefs, and memories don’t. once done, once felt, once believed, always remembered. etched in time.

and my heart is with you. my heart is with you, always. in sleep, in wake, in death, life, in past lives. your will is the only will i carry out, the only will i listen to, the only will i believe in. the number 1 is the one number, the only number that can’t be compared to any other number in the world. the number 1 is the one number that can’t be replaced, taken away, modified, adjusted, or crushed, in the world. the number 1 is with you. it gets stronger with each passing day. it builds momentum and develops into something more.

your power within me is all that i feed on, all that i draw on, all that keeps me going. all that is, all i am. i am nothing without you. i can do nothing without you. absolutely nothing.

which is why it is my work to carry out your will. your will is my life, my life work. my purpose is to carry out your will. nothing else matters. your will wills me to appreciate everything you give me that i didn’t ask for, because, whether i like it or not, you gave it to me, you gave it to me to help me learn, to appreciate it, i appreciate it, and i appreciate how it helps me learn something much more valuable than all the money in the world could ever buy. you taught me the meaning of love. you taught me love is love, no matter in what form. you taught me you should always, always appreciate love, no matter what kind it is, however it is shown, however it is demonstrated, however it is portrayed.

love is love. love is the only thing in the world you can never ask for, so when it is given to you, no matter what kind it is, whether it suits your tastes or not, you are lucky, you are blessed, to have and experience any sort of love. any action out of love is to be appreciated. there’s a type of quiet solace and comfort in pain in knowing that it is because of love you are hurting. that in the end, it all means something, that in the end, love is worth every pain you go through, that in the end, love is worth every pain you experience, because it is that rare, that strong, that empowering, and that valuable. love is everything. love never stops fascinating me. it’s important. it’s the most important thing in the world, appreciating someone else’s love. especially when you did nothing to deserve it. especially when you didn’t ask for it, didn’t ask for such a valuable thing, and it’s just given to you. i feel like the luckiest person in the world, with so many of god’s blessings.

i’m pretty ashamed of how i never acknowledged or got to know him before november 27, 2011. or somewhere around there, that date before i consciously acknowledged to myself god’s existence in my life, in life.

when he is my every breath, every cell, every fiber. every memory. when i feel like life is going to be okay with him, and only with him. when i’ve been relying on him all this time, but never knew it, never appreciated it.

what more is there to say? god’s will is my will. my will is god’s will. i do what god wants me to do, what god wills me to do. all miracles credit to him. all life credit to him. he is the beginning, he is the end. he is my beginning, is my ending. i hope my best will be enough for him. i hope that everything in between, my best will be enough for him.

does god make promises? promise me that it will work out. i won’t be able to give 100 fifty thousand percent otherwise. i give my life, my blood, my sweat, my tears, up for you. free fall, with only myself to lose. this free fall through the dark into the fire will not be worth it otherwise. i want my time to be worth it, i want it to mean something while i am here. i want it to be worthwhile, and happy, and healthy. and peaceful. i want my time here to be mine. to be uniquely mine. i want my story to be a good one, a good one to tell, and revisit, and look back on. i want my story to be important. to be important and mean something positive to someone. to matter to people. in some way. i want to watch it, watch my stories, watch my music, enter their lives, and impact and influence them positively, and have it, have my work matter to them.

it seems pointless to give it my all if it won’t work out. promise me that that is the truth; either you’re not the person for the job, or you’re not trying hard enough. promise me. promise me my all will be enough. because i don’t feel like it’ll be enough. i feel like i could always do more, which stops me from starting, because i feel like i’m wasting my time doing something pointless. because when i start, i don’t stop; relentless is the only word in my vocabulary.

this is for my work from the heart. my passion, my love, my value, my meaning, my worth, my music, my message, my story, my pure belief, my pure knowing.

this is for who i am, this is for the people.

27th November 2011

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